So Its gonna be forever?!

I had this dream where I only weighed 95 pounds. For some reason that dream has stuck in my head ever since. I have been figuring out ways for me to become the 95 pounds as fast as I can. I feel like the closer to 95 pounds I get, the happier I will be. I need to be that 95 pounds because I will satisfy so many people in my life. My mother will be happy that I’m “skinny.” My grandmother won’t be making comments about my weight anymore. My family won’t judge me for what I put into my mouth. When boys see me, they don’t see me as te fat girl, they will see me as the skinny girl with a nice body. They won’t be able to see my bones through my clothes. I want to have this amazing body. Im 5′6 and I know that the average weight for someone my height is about 130 pounds. But thats too much for me. How am I skinny if im over 110 pounds? This thought has consumed my brain. Ive noticed that I have been eating less, and what I have been eating is basically nothing. When I have the opportunity to binge eat, sometimes I take it. I know how to go about 2 days without eating. My mom tells me its good to have my stomach feel hungry. Maybe I need to listen to her and start to not eat for as long as I can. I need to start calculating how many calories a day I need to eat in order to survive. I need to eat at least 1,00-1,200 calories a day. Mix that with at least an hour of exercise and I should be well on my way to being the weight I want to be. I guess no one really knows how unhappy I really am with my body. I say Im happy with the way I am but Im really not. I would do anything to look like those skinny girls at my school. Those girls eat anything they want and don’t gain a single pound. I eat healthy and go on all these different types of diets and nothing happens. No results. I need to try harder to get the body I want, the body I deserve. I have to spend all my time concentrating on this. Lets see where this journey takes me. 

What I hate about our generation is that it turned into something we call the “hookup culture.” I hate that. High school has turned into how many people can sleep with who? Or how many people can hook up with who? What happened to dates? What happened to asking someone if they want to go to dinner with you or just go for a walk? What happened with getting to know another person? Instead we just take everyone for advantage and we use people for their bodies. Instead of getting to know someone you are leaving hickeys on their neck. You start talking a day before this hook up happened and pretend you want something more then a hookup, when in reality you just want to hang out with them so you can hook up with them. Why can’t our generation grow up and actually ask someone on a date? Why can’t our generation get to know someone else? Why can’t our generation actually fall in love with someone? Im sick of hearing this person hooked up with this person. Its okay to have feelings for someone and express them. But don’t express them in marks on their neck, express them with words over a dinner table or express them while laying in bed watching netflix. This “hookup culture” is just a way to get laid and to raise your number with how many times you’ve had sex with someone. One day, when you find the person you really love, that number won’t matter. So why don’t we start looking for someone we really have feelings for and do it then?

-B.A 

What I find crazy in this world is that so many people are in love with each other but they don’t know it. People have learned to bottle up their emotions and never unscrew the cap. They keep everything inside thinking that it will go away. In reality it won’t go away. It might leave your mind for the slightest bit of time but it will always come back. I get people are too scared to tell people that they are in love with someone or that they have feelings for them. Im the exact same way. People are scared of not getting back what they want, not receiving the same feelings. It terrifies me. Im in love with a boy but im too scared to tell him. I know he likes me or I know that he liked me at some point but, does he still like me now? We hang out and where he lives is where my summer house is. It almost seems like it was meant to be. I just get so nervous that Im not gonna receive those same feelings back. I can picture being with him, walking on the beach, watching moves, holding hands. I can picture my life with him. I want to have a life with him, Im in love with him. He doesn’t know that. Maybe one day he will and that day could either be the best day of my life, or it could crush me in a million different ways. 

i fucked up. big time. 

I’ve been struggling with depression and my parents don’t know. I was kind of body shamed a lot growing up by my family. I wasn’t a skinny, 5′6 girl with straight blonde hair. I am a heavier 5′6 girl with brown curly hair. My family doesn’t like that. They have tried to change my look ever since I can remember. This has caused me a lot of anxiety and after 12 years of battling anxiety I have been finally put on medications for it. I have a therapist, but the only reason I was put in therapy by my mother was so that I could “gain motivation to lose weight” My therapist diagnosed me with depression, but I told her not to tell my parents because I couldn’t handle the comments from them. In reality my therapist thinks my mom is crazy, and that I shouldn’t have to live a life where her approval is the only thing that matters. I have always helped others. Helping others is something that matters a lot to me because knowing that I have helped one person in this world makes my day. I have been trying to overcome these for a long time now. I have my ups and downs but I guess thats kind of expected. Everyday i find myself getting happier and happier and I hope that continues.